True Love

“Mawaiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togewah today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awangement, that dweam awiffin a dweam… And wuv, twoo wuv will fowow you foweva… so tweasure your wuv.” -Clergyman from the Princess Bride

In case you cannot read this quote from the Princess Bride, shame on you. (It is fine if you haven’t watched the movie.  I will still claim you as my acquaintance, but not my friend. Just kidding. I still love you even if you have not seen a movie that my family and I quote a lot. 😊) It is a classic. (But seriously, you need to go and watch it! You have enough time now because it’s summer and COVID-19.) The clergy man says the Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. That blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream… And love, true love will follow you forever… so treasure your love.” So today, we are going to talk about…. Falling in love! I got ya, didn’t I? You were going to say marriage. (This is the only exciting intro about falling in love that I could think of instead of a lousy pun. So, there you go.) What is love? What is falling in love? Settle, down. One question at a time. 😉

Love is a simple word that we use to describe many situations. Love is extremely complex. There are SO many different kinds of love. And it seems like there are a million and one theories about love. No wonder why people are so confused about it! If everyone in the world picked one of those theories, then you would only have about 7,000 people agree with you. (I made up that number, but it sure does feel like there are a million theories about love. Anyway, back to the blog.)

I am no love expert. I am not claiming to be one. I do not have a boyfriend and have not had one yet. So, I have not had much romantic love experiences, but I have experienced other kinds of love, like parent/child, with my siblings, best friends, friends, roommates, teachers and classmates. I can say that I love my sibling, but it is not the same kind of love as with my teachers.

In my class, we discussed how the Greeks had 4 kinds of love: philia, storge, eros and agape. Philia is the love within a friendship. Storge is the love between a child and his or her parents. Eros is love between a woman and a man. And finally, agape is unconditional love. It is there no matter what. If you have this kind of love for someone, then you put their needs above yours. We tend to blend different levels of these kinds of love in each of our relationships. For example, I love my parents and I feel like I have a good friendship with them. Therefore, I experience storge and philia love with my parents.

Henry B. Eyring sums up what love is for me. He says, “The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.” I love this quote. It makes me think of parents and all that they do to help their children thrive, especially the sacrifice of mothers. Their bodies literally give the growing baby the nutrients that he/she needs.

In my classes, I have been reading a book called, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp. He came up with a way to visually see if your dating/romantic (or any other) relationship is healthy. He called it the Relationship Attachment Model or the RAM. It looks like this: 

This is what a healthy relationship looks like. Image from BYU-I Scroll

Think of this as a sound board. It has little knobs that you can slide up and down. Each slider depends on the one to the left. (So how much I trust someone depends on how much I know you. And so on.) Van Epp defines Knowing someone with this formula. Know= Talk (mutual disclosure) + Togetherness (doing DIFFERENT activities together) + Time (>3 months) Trust is ­­­trusting that person. Relying is how much you can depend on them to fulfill your needs. Commitment is the level of commitment in the relationship. And Touch is referring to sexual and intimate contact.

I like how you can adapt this to your own personal situation. For example, I have chosen to only be sexually intimate with my husband after we get married. As far as I know, I haven’t met him or dated him yet. So, for me Van Epp’s Touch section on his RAM is not sexual. It’s like giving hugs or giving high fives.

What happens if there’s too much touch and all of the other levels are low? I’m so glad that you asked. You probably have seen this clip before but watch this video and think of where you would put each of the sliders.

I probably just ruined Frozen for you. I’m sorry. You’ll never see that clip the same way again. For me, I would say that the Know section for Anna and Hans is rock bottom. Touch is the highest section followed by Commitment, Trust and Rely. This is not a balanced or healthy relationship. If she had married Hans that night, she would have realized that she married a jerk and a weirdo after it was too late. Had she dated him for at least three months, she could have seen how he treats others in many different situations. Then she would have seen his true colors and not  have gotten stuck in that situation.

What happens when you fall in love? I like how this cute little video describes it.

In short, we need to make sure that we are taking the time to truly know, trust, rely, and commit to someone and not immediately jump to engagement/marriage. (Cough, cough, Anna, Cough) 😊

I’m sorry that I didn’t go into a lot of depth on this post. There’s just SO much that we could talk about love. I could have probably made this blog post into 10. If you want to learn more about a specific type of love, anything that I’ve talked about or have any questions, ask them in the comments below.

Keep on dancing!

💙

Emily

Thank you Mom and Dad!!!

I know that this is a bit late for Mother’s Day and it is too early for Father’s Day, but I think this is the perfect time to talk about parents. :0) Parents have such a unique and powerful ability to influence their children. In my child development classes I learned that, typically, for the first 7-8 years of life children are more concerned about what their parents say than what their peers say. After that, parents are still influential, but children are more concerned about what their friends say. I think that it is so cool how parents are the ones that get the first opportunity to point their children in the right direction. Can you imagine how weird life would be if we were obsessed with what our friends said until we were age eight? Then when we were teenagers only care about what our parents said. Life would be totally backwards!

My Lovely Parents

I am very grateful for my parents and all that they have done for me and my family. They have shaped me into who I am today.  Both of my parents have taught me great and important things. They played different roles, but each are near and dear to my heart. (Sadly, I don't have many pictures of me and my mom or I would put them on here. :( She was the one who took most of the pictures. )

Mom, thank you for the tender love and care that you have given me. Thank you for nurturing me. Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick. Thank you for encouraging me to try new things, to make good friends and to chase my dreams. Thank you for listening to me whenever I would talk about my day. Thank you for being interested in what I was interested in. Thank you for dealing with my picky eating. I know that was not easy for you.

Thank you for fostering my love of God and for reading. I remember when Spencer and I were little, we would climb into your big bed. You would read us tons of stories and then from the scriptures just before nap time. I also remember sneaking out of nap time after you fell asleep, because I did NOT like taking naps. (I am sorry about that) :D Thank you for singing endless songs with me. Thank you for enduring going clothes shopping with me even though I hated it and was extremely indecisive.

Thank you for teaching me how to be kind and loving to others. Thank you for doing fun crafts with me and teaching me how to sew. Thank you for teaching me how to be creative and the art of making a gift bag.

I'm helping my family sell pumpkins!

Dad, I have lots of memories of playing with you. I remember feeling like Robin Hood when we would shoot bow and arrows together. I remember wrestling with you when I was little. Thanks for playing scooter-lions with us. (Scooter-lions is a game that I would play with my brother and my dad. My Dad would be “it” and try to find Spencer and me while we were on scooters. My dad would sing “No scooter-lions are out tonight. Daddy shot them all last night,” as he searched for us. When he found us, we would jump out and say “ROAR!” Then we would try and tag him before he got back to base.) Thank you for building bunk beds for my dolls. Thanks for building block towers that went to the ceiling with me. Thank you for all of the water fights and driving lessons. Thanks for going on bike rides with me. Thanks for protecting me from spiders and other bugs that scared me.

My silly Dad. This pretty much sums up our relationship. :)

From you, I learned the importance of serving others and the joy that comes from it. I will always remember you “starting [your] day out right” by reading your scriptures on Saturday and Sunday mornings before we would do anything together. Thank you for teaching me how it is important to work hard and to have fun!

We're smiling for the camera! 😃

I also learned what I want in my future husband. Thank you for taking me on Daddy-Daughter dates and showing me how I should be treated. Thank you for pretending to be Prince Charming’s Grand Duke whenever you would put on my shoes.

In short, Mom and Dad I LOVE YOU!!!

What are some things that you are grateful for about your parents? Do you have any fun memories with them? What did they teach you? 

Keep on dancin'!

💙

Emily

Photo credit: Kylah Higby and Mom

Family Culture

Culture is our values, beliefs (like religion), and practices. It’s the art and music that we enjoy and even the food that we eat. Culture can vary by nation, city, ethnicity, or family. Families pass on their culture through traditions. These are passed on to their children. Each family has a different culture and beliefs. For example, every Thanksgiving, my family and I would go camping and cut down a Christmas tree. We would have a tinfoil dinner, roast marshmallows, and look at the stars. I have been up at college for the past two Thanksgivings, so I was not able to go. I miss doing that with my family.

My family also has lots of Christmas traditions. We LOVE Christmas. We decorate sugar cookies, watch Christmas videos and enact the Nativity every year on Christmas Eve while our Dad reads Luke 2. Now that my brother and I are not little kids, we do not act it out, unless our nieces and nephews are spending Christmas with us. Since I love these traditions, I will pass them on to my future family.

If there is a tradition that I don’t like, I can take it out. How can you tell if a tradition or part of your culture is bad? I believe that we can all agree that hurting someone physically, emotionally, spiritually, or socially is not humane. Therefore, we need to get rid of traditions that hurt others. We should not foster bullying and belittling others (including ourselves).

Or I could add new ones in. I love how Mexicans have a holiday to remember their ancestors and loved ones! In my future family, I would love to add in a day where my family could celebrate loved ones and learn about their stories. I am inspired by the stories of my ancestors who sacrificed everything that they had to cross the plains for their religious beliefs. I learned so many life lessons from the stories that my mom and dad would tell me. I remember my mom telling me stories about one of my great, great, great, great-something Grandpa Chester Loveland. She told me how he would stand up for what was right even when others did not believe him. His example helps me stand for what I believe is right even when I stand alone. I feel so much closer to the ancestors that I have been told stories about. (There’s this awesome website called Family Search, where you can make your family tree and add memories and pictures for free. That is where my family puts stories of our ancestors.)

Culture helps to shape us. I grew up in a family where religion was very important to us. Had I grown up in a different family, that did not value religion, then I would not be as religious as I am today. Culture helps shape our needs and wants. One thing that everyone desires is to belong to someone, something, somewhere. How do we fill this sense of belonging? Through my experiences, I would say love. Some get it through their marriage and family. Others get it from their job, while yet others get it from their hobbies or friends. Religion can also be a source of belonging. Our talents and abilities can make us feel as if we are part of a group. We all want to belong and feel like we are contributing to a purposeful cause.

I feel like I belong to my family because of the relationships that I have with them and the traditions that my family celebrates. I love to dance, because I feel like am graceful and I can do anything that I can set my mind to. I feel like I belong with tap dancers, because that is where I have made many of my friends.

Does your family have any traditions that you have passed on? Is there any that you want to add? Do you know any stories about your ancestors? Where do you feel like you belong?

Keep on Dancing!

💙

Emily

Family Theories

This week, I learned about different theories that effect the family and unspoken rules. Theories try to explain what is going on. There are four main theories: conflict, exchange, symbolic and systems.

Conflict Theory is that there is always a struggle/limited amount of resources and time. This causes people to have to find a way to work together.

For example, right now, I am taking 8 college classes (16 credits). I hardly have any free time. If I look at this through the lens of conflict theory, then I can see that what I do with my free time shows my priorities. When I do have free time, I use it to connect with my family and friends.

Exchange Theory is a theory that people only stay in a relationship where they feel like they are getting at least what they put into it. We want to be in relationships where we feel like both are contributing.

There are TONS of examples in any Disney princess movie. The prince and princess have to decide if their relationship is mutual before they commit to getting married. This is just as true in real life. I want to have relationships where I am giving and taking.

Symbolic Theory is the belief that everything is symbolic (I know. It is a very clever name. 😊) Everything that we do not say, say and do sends meaning to others. Some messages are unintentional; others are not. Another important aspect of this theory is that we are influenced by others every day.

In my family, if you put your feet on my dad’s lap, he will rub them. When we do this, we are sending the signal “I want attention.” My Dad usually responds by rubbing our feet and talking to us. I really like this unspoken rule!

Systems Theory is where the family works like a system or a clock. It has different parts that influence each other and have different capacities. When one of gears doesn't work, it effects the whole system.

Right now, my family feels like a system . We finally got into our quarantine routine. After breakfast, family scripture study and prayer, my brother and I would go do schoolwork, while my dad worked from home. My mom would do her own thing and lend any help and emotional support when needed. A while ago, my mother went up to help one of my sisters that had twin boys. After she left, it effected our whole system. We had to reconfigure it. The three of us had to work together to try and make up for everything that mom would usually do. 

For example, my mom is usually in charge of preparing meals. After she was gone, my dad and I had to take turns to cook meals.

I can be a chatter box. I love to talk, especially with my mother. When my mom was here, I would just talk to her about what was going on in school and in my life. Since she left my dad and brother have had to step in and try and fill in her role. They have been very loving and kind, though it is not quite the same as when my mom would do it. Another example is that my mom and I would take care of our chicks. During her trip, my brother helped me take care of them. When we all work together as a system, we can do anything that we put our minds to. We are able to accomplish more as a family than as individual parts.

Unspoken Rules

Another thing that I thought was interesting was unspoken family rules. An unspoken rule is a rule that your family abides by even though it isn't said. Everyone has them. Have you noticed that your family members usually almost always sit in the same spot for meals or when you watch a movie? Did your parents say, “Sarah sits here. Billy sits over there and Jane sit by me.” ? Probably not. We are creatures of habit. We like to be in our comfort zones. You learn about the sitting rule, when your sibling or parent says, “Hey, you are sitting in my spot.” One unspoken rule is in my family is that we are conscious of those that are sleeping. We do our best to be extremely quiet if someone is asleep. When I went to college, my roommates  were a lot noisier than my family. It was not that they were being rude, it is just that they grew up in a different family than mine.

What do you think about the different theories? Do you have any examples? What are some of your family’s unspoken rules?

Keep on dancing!

💙 Emily