Family Theories

This week, I learned about different theories that effect the family and unspoken rules. Theories try to explain what is going on. There are four main theories: conflict, exchange, symbolic and systems.

Conflict Theory is that there is always a struggle/limited amount of resources and time. This causes people to have to find a way to work together.

For example, right now, I am taking 8 college classes (16 credits). I hardly have any free time. If I look at this through the lens of conflict theory, then I can see that what I do with my free time shows my priorities. When I do have free time, I use it to connect with my family and friends.

Exchange Theory is a theory that people only stay in a relationship where they feel like they are getting at least what they put into it. We want to be in relationships where we feel like both are contributing.

There are TONS of examples in any Disney princess movie. The prince and princess have to decide if their relationship is mutual before they commit to getting married. This is just as true in real life. I want to have relationships where I am giving and taking.

Symbolic Theory is the belief that everything is symbolic (I know. It is a very clever name. 😊) Everything that we do not say, say and do sends meaning to others. Some messages are unintentional; others are not. Another important aspect of this theory is that we are influenced by others every day.

In my family, if you put your feet on my dad’s lap, he will rub them. When we do this, we are sending the signal “I want attention.” My Dad usually responds by rubbing our feet and talking to us. I really like this unspoken rule!

Systems Theory is where the family works like a system or a clock. It has different parts that influence each other and have different capacities. When one of gears doesn't work, it effects the whole system.

Right now, my family feels like a system . We finally got into our quarantine routine. After breakfast, family scripture study and prayer, my brother and I would go do schoolwork, while my dad worked from home. My mom would do her own thing and lend any help and emotional support when needed. A while ago, my mother went up to help one of my sisters that had twin boys. After she left, it effected our whole system. We had to reconfigure it. The three of us had to work together to try and make up for everything that mom would usually do. 

For example, my mom is usually in charge of preparing meals. After she was gone, my dad and I had to take turns to cook meals.

I can be a chatter box. I love to talk, especially with my mother. When my mom was here, I would just talk to her about what was going on in school and in my life. Since she left my dad and brother have had to step in and try and fill in her role. They have been very loving and kind, though it is not quite the same as when my mom would do it. Another example is that my mom and I would take care of our chicks. During her trip, my brother helped me take care of them. When we all work together as a system, we can do anything that we put our minds to. We are able to accomplish more as a family than as individual parts.

Unspoken Rules

Another thing that I thought was interesting was unspoken family rules. An unspoken rule is a rule that your family abides by even though it isn't said. Everyone has them. Have you noticed that your family members usually almost always sit in the same spot for meals or when you watch a movie? Did your parents say, “Sarah sits here. Billy sits over there and Jane sit by me.” ? Probably not. We are creatures of habit. We like to be in our comfort zones. You learn about the sitting rule, when your sibling or parent says, “Hey, you are sitting in my spot.” One unspoken rule is in my family is that we are conscious of those that are sleeping. We do our best to be extremely quiet if someone is asleep. When I went to college, my roommates  were a lot noisier than my family. It was not that they were being rude, it is just that they grew up in a different family than mine.

What do you think about the different theories? Do you have any examples? What are some of your family’s unspoken rules?

Keep on dancing!

💙 Emily