Communicating: What did You Say?

Communication, communication, communication.  Whenever someone has a problem in a friendship, marriage or life you seem to be the answer. Is that true? At least partially. The problem may not be that you aren’t communicating, but that you are miscommunicating. Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. First, what is communication? It is how we express a thought or an idea. Is talking the only form of communication? NO! We communicate through our body language, facial expressions, nonverbal cues, our tone, through texting, emails, and social media. It is important that our nonverbal cues, tone, and words all line up.

When we communicate, we encode what we are thinking into words. Then the words that we say travel through the air or media and into another’s ear. Then he or she has to decode and process what we said. Hopefully, our message comes across clearly! If not, then there has been a miscommunication. There are many ways that a miscommunication can happen. We could misspeak, or if we texted our friend instead of talking to them, then they missed out of our facial expressions and tone. Or our friend can misinterpret what we said. Who would of thought that talking and texting others could be so difficult and complex!

I will share an example when I miscommunicated. Let us see if you can figure out what I did wrong. 😊 In my sophomore year, I had to teach my Leadership class about verbal and nonverbal communication. Imagine that you are in my class. When the teacher turned the time over to me, I walked up to the front of the room with my notes. I slammed down my notes on the podium at the front of the room and angrily said, “Today is going to be a great day. We are going to have so much fun!” Do you think that my classmates believed me? Would you? Why not? It is because my body language and tone did not match what I said. There have many studies done that show that our nonverbal cues are between 50-80% of our communication. That is HUGE!! Have you ever read a social media post or a text and attached a different tone than the author was trying to convey? I know that I have. Now you know why we tend to have more miscommunications more on social media/texting than in face to face conversations. We are missing out on at least half of the conversation!!

The words that we say are also important. When we want others to understand what we are experiencing, we should express how our emotions and thoughts were affected by the events. This is known by many names. In child development this is called, “Emotion coaching,” while some schools call this, “mindfulness.”  I do not know about y’all, but when someone (like my parents) explains why I should/should not do something and how it affects others and myself, then I am more likely to be obedient. I like how my teacher showed us one way we could do this. This is what he drew on his white board.

I know that my example is kind of weird, but you get the general idea. Now that you have some practice here’s a POP QUIZ!!!

We all know the nursery rhyme of Jack be nimble. (If not, here it is: Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. Jack jumped over the candle stick.) Let us pretend that Jack’s mother saw what he was doing. She decided to talk to him about what he is doing. Pick the response that would help Jack understand what his mother is experiencing. She should say,

A) “Jack, you are GROUNDED for 20 years!!! You are never allowed to play with the candlestick again!”

B) “Jack! Don’t do that! You scared me!”

C) “Jack, when you jumped over the candle stick, I felt scared, because I thought that you were going to catch on fire and get hurt. In the future, I would like for you not to do that.”

The correct answer is drumroll……C! C helps Jack understand how what he did connects to what his mom thought and felt. A is okay. It tells him that he did something wrong, but he may not know what he did wrong or why it is wrong. B is slightly better. It conveys that his mom was scared when he did “that,” but he still may not know what exactly “that” is. Maybe he was picking his nose at the same time.

That’s it for this week! I’d love to hear what y’all think! Do you have any awesome miscommunication stories? What’s your favorite way to communicate? What do you think about technology’s effects on communication?

Keep on dancing!!

💙

Emily

Stress in the Family

This is going to be a stressful topic is it not? 😉 Oh stress, I have such a love-hate relationship with you. Sometimes you are good for me and help me get my homework done (like this blog, cough, cough. Just kidding!) If only getting rid of stress was as easy as writing a breakup letter (those are not easy to write from what I have heard.). If I were to tell stress that I am breaking up with him, then this is what my letter would say:

Dear Stress,

You help me prioritize and accomplish the things that are most important. I am grateful for those times that we have had together. However, there are sometimes when you are not very helpful. You can be a bad influence on me. When you are around me too much, I transition from being concentrated to overwhelmed and hopeless. I crash and burn. And were you there for me? No! Did you help me feel better? No, you did not! You would make things worse! So, I am breaking up with you! You are only allowed to visit me for under an hour each day and Sundays are off limits. However, you can visit me more often during finals week each semester.

Peacefully,

Emily

 

Stress can sometimes be helpful. It can aide us in getting things done. Over the years, I have realized that I write best when I have a little bit of a time crunch (not when I have less than an hour to write a 3-page essay). However, sometimes too much stress can be detrimental.

Ways to Cope with Stress

Coping Strategies
Less Effective:	More Effective:
Denial Avoidance Scapegoating	Taking responsibility for your actions Affirm family and self-worth Balance self-concern and concern for others Reframing (have a different perspective) Using Available Resources -Community -Religious

I got this list from my textbook.

I am sure that we can all think of different ways to cope with stress. One of the first things that pops into my head is tv shows or movies where women eat ice cream when they are sad. The next thing that I think of is Poe from Kung Fu Panda. I admit that I sometimes eat when I am stressed. It is not the best coping strategy. This chart shows different kinds of ways that we can handle stressful events.

 

In the short term, it is sometimes okay to avoid or deny what happened. In some situations, those feelings can help you function until you are at a place where you can mourn and accept the stressful events. If you avoid or deny the problem for a long time, then you probably need some extra help. Stressful events can affect family members differently.

 

For example, my little brother, he loves this isolation (he is an introvert). My mom liked it, but she wished that she could occasionally get out of the house more. It did not bother my dad too much. He did not like working from home though. And I died socially. COVID-19 has been really hard for me. I was out of state when everyone was getting scared about COVID. When I left for my trip life was totally normal. When I came back home, it was as if my world was turned upside down. I had to stay in my house almost all day. I could not go to Church, give people hugs or tap dance with my friends. I love people so much; I need to be around others. On April 4^th,  I had lost all hope. I felt like this was NEVER going to end. I was in a dark place. Then my dad gave me a blessing. In it, he told me to hold on to hope, to focus on others and help them find happiness and hope. I wish that I could say that the next day I was skipping around the house bursting with hope. I was not. It was a slow process, like the rising of the sun. Gradually, bit by bit I had more hope that someday life would be better. Now I am much more hopeful, but some days are still hard.

What are some of your coping strategies? Have you used any that my textbook has listed? What has your COVID-19 experience been like?

Keep on dancing!!

💙

Emily 

Talking About Talking About the Birds and the Bees

I do not know if y’all chanted this is elementary school, but this was popular at mine.

“Betsy* and Johnny* sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G

 First comes the love, then comes the marriage,

 Then comes the baby with the baby carriage.”

(*insert whoever’s names)

I know what you are thinking, this song is truly inspiring; it just brings you to tears… No? Okay. Maybe it is not that moving. 😊

So, how do you talk to your children about sexual intimacy? That is a good question. Next question! Just kidding. 😊 Well, you first have to know what sexual intimacy is. If you do not know how a child is created, then you need to drop what you are doing (not literally) and go ask your mom or dad. Next you have to decide how you view it and what it means to you. Is it “yucky?” Is sex something that you do with anyone anywhere just for fun? I personally have been raised in a home and in a religion that views sexual intimacy as sacred and beautiful. I believe that sexual intimacy should only be reserved for marriage. It brings a husband and wife closer to each other and to God. My beliefs influence how I will talk about it to my future children.

How we treat and discuss this topic will be reflected in how our children view it. I know that it can be extremely awkward, but we have to change that. We do not want our children to learn about intimacy from the internet or their peers. In my class we discussed two ways that we can make it less awkward to talk about this.  First is to start when your children are young (under 3) and use the correct names for body parts. If your three-year-old asks you where babies come from, you probably should not dump all of the details on them. That is WAY too much!! You need to tone it down and answer at their level. When your children are younger, your answers will be short and simple. Teenagers are able to think logically and abstractly. So, as they get older, you can add more details. Your conversation can go more in depth. My Church made a little book called, A Parent’s Guide. (I highly recommend that you check it out! It is cool and really good!) This book helps parents know what is age appropriate to talk to their children about intimacy. It covers from infants and toddlers all of the way up to dating and marriage.

These are three talks that I like that discuss marital intimacy. The speakers are directing their remarks to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. However, anyone can find truth and principles that they agree with and apply to their lives.

The first talk is from Wendy Watson Nelson. She was a Marriage and Family Therapist and a professor for at least 25 years. 13 of those years were at Brigham Young University. This is what she says about marital intimacy.

If the video does not work, here’s the link.

One of my favorite talks about sexual intimacy is Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments by Jeffery R. Holland. To me, it is extremely powerful how he shares the sacredness of marital intimacy.

Here’s the link: 

Or if you do not have 45 minutes to watch that, he has a similar 18-minute talk called, Personal Purity. If you cannot tell, I really like Elder Holland’s talks. He just has a way with words. He is able to weave words together to give them life and power.

You can read or listen to it here.

What do you think? Did you like how your parents taught you about marital intimacy? What has worked in your family? What has not worked? Do you agree with Wendy Watson Nelson and/or Jeffery R. Holland?

Keep on dancin’!

💙

Emily

Transitioning into Marriage… Wait, What?

Yeah, you read that title correctly… We will be discussing about engagement to marriage. Yet again I admit that I do not have any personal experiences. However, in my classes I am learning trends and general principles that apply to most people/couples/families. So, accept or disregard this at your own risk. :0)

In my class discussion earlier this week. We talked about transitioning from courting to engagement. My teacher mentioned that when a man proposed, it was a very private experience. It was usually just the couple at their own engagement. Now when a couple gets engaged, there is a professional photographer, and tons of family and friends. That can put a lot of pressure on whoever is proposing. He or she may feel like they have to put on a show. I am not saying that either one is better than the other, it just depends on what you like.

Another topic that we discussed along with engagement was cohabitation. Today many couples cohabitate before they get married because they want to see if they are compatible before they get married. Of course, people want to know if their marriage will last. Marriage is a HUGE commitment. You do NOT want to make a mistake that will cause you tremendous pain. The couples who live together before marriage may be unaware of the research on cohabitation though. My textbook called, Marriage and Family: A Quest for Intimacy, mentions some of the consequences and effects of cohabitation. It basically says that couples that cohabitate are more likely to get divorced and experience infidelity than couples that do not cohabitate. It also mentions that cohabitating couples are more likely to live parallel lives. This is where each person in the couple lives basically their same lives as they had before cohabiting. My professor drew a picture to help illustrate this. This is my attempt to duplicate his picture. 😊

There is not a lot of involving your partner. Couples that cohabitate typically shares somethings, but not everything. They may share food and living space, but they may not share their finances (bank accounts, bills). Can you see how cohabiting couples would have to work harder to merge their lives together? There is not a clear distinction and transition between cohabitating and getting married. (So, I am asking anyone that I know that is cohabitating to please be careful and aware of the research and effects of living this way. Study this topic from reliable sources, so you can be safe. I do not want you to get hurt in any way, shape or form.)

On the other hand, there is a very clear transition of not living together to living together when couples do not cohabitate. They typically share more of their lives together. It is not that they share 100% of their activities, interests, music taste, and do all of these things together 24/7. You would have to be the exact same person in order to agree with yourself 100% of the time. You did not marry yourself! (Actually, now that I think about it, we sometimes even disagree without ourselves! Also, if somehow you and your spouse agree on everything and do everything together, I need to meet y’all because y’all are super humans!) Each spouse still has some different interests, hobbies, etc. that maintains individuality within the marriage.

My classmate Emma did a wonderful job of sharing the research without it coming across as condemning those that believe and live this way. She even did extra research about the topic and included the sources in post. Check out her blog about cohabitation if you want to learn more and see what she said.

Next is the wedding day! Let those beautiful bells ring! 😊 In my class, we learned that the average wedding cost in the U.S.A. is over $27,000!!!!! 😲 (My heart basically stopped when I heard that.) The only thing that I am going to say about this wonderful day is that this: As wonderful and important as planning your wedding day is, it is much more important to plan your marriage (life after you get married).

Any who, that pretty much wraps up this week. Do you have any questions? What do you think about cohabitating? (Please be kind and respectful in your comments.) Do you have any cool stories about your wedding day? Did you spend more or less than the average for the U.S.A.?

Love y’all!

Keep on dancing!!

💙

Emily